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I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?