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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.