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So many rules; so little time to break them.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.