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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.