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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.