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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.