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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.