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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
2 words, 1 finger.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do