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My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.