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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.