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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car