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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!