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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..