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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.