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You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.