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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.