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RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Ride me like you stole me.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.