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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right