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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!