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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them