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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.