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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin