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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.