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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
Reincarnation is my only hope.