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You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
I wish I had a friend like me
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.