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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.