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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!