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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.
i dont have drain bramage.