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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"