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Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.