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Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.