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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Chip clips are for quitters.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.