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You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.