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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming