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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.