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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.