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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.