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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
Iād slap you but Iām pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?