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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
he who laughs last thinks slow
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.