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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.