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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.