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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.