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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.