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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.