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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.