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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
More people should be at a loss for words.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
It should really be called teethpaste.