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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.