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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.