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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.