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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…