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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.