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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.