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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Can you find the the mistake? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Click Funny if you did..
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"