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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things Iād go to hell for.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.