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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?