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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Vodka is just amazing water.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them