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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?