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If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.