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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
This is a lousy dating site.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?